Jokes

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	You know you're a native Noo Awleanian if:

	* Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside.

	* You don't think it inappropriate to refer to a large adult male as "Li'l
	Bubba."

	* No matter where else you go in the world, you
	are always disappointed in the food.

	* You get up in the morning and start a pot of
	rice to cooking before you
	give any thought to what you'll fix for dinner.

	* Your loved one dies and you book a jazz band
	before you call the
	coroner.

	* You think the breeze from a flying roach feels
	good on a hot summer
	night.

	* Your accent sounds nothing like Harry Connick
	Jr's.

	* You can sing these jingles by heart:

	"Rosenberg's, Rosenberg's, 1825 Tulane" "At the
	beach, at the beach, the
	Pontchartrain Beach..."

	* You were a high school graduate before you
	realized that Catholic and
	Public were not two major religions.

	* Your baby's first words are "long beads."

	* You ask, "How they running?" and "Are dey fat?"
	but you're inquiring
	about
	seafood quality and not the Cresent City Classic.

	* When a hurricane is imminent, you have a lot
	more faith in Nash Roberts
	than Super Doppler 6000.

	* Your town is low on the education chart, high on
	the obesity chart and
	you
	don't care because you're No. 1 on the party
	chart.

	* Nothing shocks you. Period. Ever - not politics,
	hurricanes, red lights,
	parking tickets, the Saints, Mardi Gras...

	* Your one-martini lunch becomes a five-bloody
	Mary afternoon...and you
	keep
	your job.

	* Being in a jam at Tulane and Broad isn't the
	same as being stuck in
	traffic.

	* You're walking in the French Quarter with a
	plastic cup of beer.

	* When it starts to rain, you cover your beer
	instead of your head.

	* Your idea of health food is a baked potato
	instead of fries with your
	seafood platter.

	* You believe Ronnie Virgits should be archbishop.

	* You have to take your coffee and favorite
	coffeemaker with you on a
	three-day trip.

	* You exhibit the "doubloon reflex" by stomping
	runaway coins with your
	foot.

	* You have sno-ball stains on your shoes.

	* You call tomato sauce "red gravy".

	* Your middle name is your mother's maiden name or
	your father's mother's
	maiden name or your mother's mother's maiden name
	or your grandmother's
	mother's maiden name or your grandfather's
	mother's maiden name.

	* You know you recycled too much newspaper when
	there isn't enough for
	the
	dinner (or crawfish) table.

	* You are going through customs and the agent asks
	you where you're from
	and
	you answer, "Gentilly."

	* On certain spring days, crawfish monica is your
	breakfast.

	* You eat sno-balls instead of throwing them.

	* Your house payment is less than your utility
	bill.

	* You've done your laundry in a bar.

	* You push little old ladies out of the way to
	catch Mardi Gras throws.

	* You look forward to being smashed by a
	hurricane.

	* You don't show your "pretties" during Mardi
	Gras.

	* Catching "crabs" makes you smile.

	* You write "crookedpolitician" as all one word.

	* You know it's "ask" but you purposely say "ax".

	* You understand it when someone describes their
	favorite color as K&B
	purple.

	* You know how to mispronounce street names
	correctly.(Melpomene,
	Terpsichore, Chartres, etc.)

	* You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not
	a disease.

	* You can "boo" the mayor on national television.

	* Beignets are the major cause of your gallstones.

	* You wear sweaters in October because it ought to
	be cold.

	* Someone asks you "Where you at?" and you tell
	them how you are.

	* You are left behind at an out-of-town bar
	searching for a "go cup."

	* You think of potholes as naturally occurring
	speed bumps.

	* Your grandparents are called "Maw Maw" and "Paw
	Paw."

	* Your Santa Claus rides an alligator, Your
	favorite Saint is a football
	player, you suck heads, sing the blues and you
	actually know where you
	got
	them shoes.

	* The naming of an insanely comic fictional Lucky
	Dog salesman after the
	founder of the Jesuits makes you reflect, "Well,
	who else?"

	* You shake out your shoes before putting them on.

	* You're afraid to move away because you won't be
	able to make Sugar
	Busters! groceries.

	* You know that "super doppler" does not refer to
	a generously endowed
	woman's chest.

	* You know why you should never, ever swim by the
	Lake Pontchartrain
	steps(for more than one reason).

	* You cringe every time you hear an actor with a
	Southern or Cajun accent
	in
	a "New Orleans-based" movie or TV show.

	* You have to reset your clocks after every
	thunderstorm.

	* You waste more time navigating back streets than
	you would if you just
	sat
	in traffic.

	* You still call the Fairmont Hotel the Roosevelt.

	* You consider garbage cans a legal step to
	protecting you parking space
	on
	a public street.

	* You fall asleep to the soothing sounds of four
	box fans.

	* You ignore cockroaches because you know the only
	ones you could kill
	are
	the weak or infirmed, and it would only serve to
	strengthen the breed.

	The 1998 contest winner:
	You live in the Nint' Ward
	Ya got a daddy name Bubba
	Ya can remember signs on the bridge
	Usta say "Hubba-Hubba"

	You stay in a shotgun
	That floods twice a year
	You can eat crawfish and turkey necks
	And drink Dixie beer

	You make groceries at Schwegmann's
	That's No. 1 on St. Claude
	Just to stock up on gossip
	You always say, "Oh my Gawd"

	Ya got a car with no brake tag
	But the A/C blows cold
	It's got 90-day plates
	That are 11 years old

	Now you go by your Mama's
	Most every night
	And whatever you tell her
	She says, "Oh yeah, you rite"

	You've got a dog named Fred
	He's a Catahoula hound
	They all know Fred by name
	Down at the pound

	Ya got a great looking sister
	She calls herself Stella
	The only thing is
	She's really a fella

	And if all this don't make ya
	A true New Orleans native
	I really can't tell ya
	Just what one is made of.